


Finding Home

by Rose Golden (geekitout)



Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Dunkirk Evacuation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, World War II, not historically accurate at all, wholesome gay content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-10-20 09:05:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20672807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geekitout/pseuds/Rose%20Golden
Summary: Alex and Tommy struggle with PTSD after the war but find comfort in each other's company.





	1. Routine

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! I haven't written in YEARS but this one came to me suddenly, as I'm dealing with my own trauma at the moment, and I felt like I had to get it out. It's a therapeutic work in progress. Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Obligatory disclaimer: I don’t own Alex, Tommy, or Gibson. I’m not affiliated (although I wish) with the cast, crew, or anyone else involved with the making of Dunkirk.

Everything was cold, black, silent except for muffled, anguished screams. Alex thrashed, trying to find a way to get above the surface of the water. He was running out of time. He could feel his lungs ache as he tried to resist the urge to inhale, his arms and legs flailing while trying to push him upwards against the pull of the sinking ship. Finally, after several seconds that felt like days, a light appeared above him and he could see a way out. Someone had opened a door to rescue as many people trapped inside the vessel as possible. Alex pushed with the last bit of strength he had and just as his fingers broke the surface, he felt a resistance in his leg. He panicked as he realized something had wrapped around his right ankle. He didn’t have enough air to undo whatever it was. He was so close…

“_Alex!_”

His hands could reach above the water. _He was so close._ He struggled for several more seconds, trying to break loose the chain wrapped around him but to no avail.

“_Alex! Breathe, mate!_”

Alex’s eyes flew open as he thrashed on the bed uncontrollably.

“Jesus, c’mon Alex, _breathe!_” Tommy cried. Alex gasped for air, coughing in between heaves. Every inhale felt like someone was stabbing him in the chest and he wondered just how long had he been holding his breath this time.

The nightmares had never eased. They had been home for three months now and Alex had had this same nightmare every single night. It haunted him in the bath too. He gave up on completely submerging himself in the tub to wash his hair after the fifth panic attack. If Tommy was being haunted this same way, he never showed it – not in front of Alex, anyway. Alex knew that not a single soul on that beach fully escaped the hell they survived but Tommy put on a particularly brave face when it came to the demons he was fighting. He never talked about the things he saw when he closed his eyes. Alex wondered how he stayed sane.

The two had moved in together a month ago, a decision made quickly after running into each other in a pub just a few weeks prior. Tommy had told Alex that something just felt off about moving back home after being away for so long. He felt like he didn’t belong. Home didn’t feel so much like home anymore. Alex felt similarly. Plus, they both needed to be in the company of someone else who had experienced what they had gone through. Neither could handle the pity in their families’ faces every time they sat at the dinner table. They were treated like fine china – fragile and to be handled with extreme care. Alex’s night terrors didn’t help with any of that. He just about gave his parents heart attacks the first night he woke up screaming and the pity in their eyes only grew more insufferable. Alex was thrilled at the thought of moving in with someone who would understand him.

It was a bit awkward at first. Alex felt like Tommy resented him, and therein lies the root of Alex’s nightmares – the guilt he felt over Gibson’s death. He tried to suppress it, tried to keep the attitude he had when trying to force Gibson off the ship before it sank. _Survival’s not fair_, he could hear himself say over and over again. He didn’t really mean for Gibson to die. Not like that. In his desperation to survive, Alex had been cruel and incredibly selfish, completely opposite himself. But even after the frustration of Gibson not complying with his orders to get off the ship before the water started pouring in faster, Alex had tried to get the other man off the vessel too. He had tried to save him. In the heat of the moment, he truly didn't know the Frenchman was caught and drowning. 

_Survival’s not fair._ That it wasn’t. It wasn’t fair to those who sacrificed themselves or those who were sacrificed against their will. It wasn’t fair to the survivors themselves, who had to face these horrid scenarios every single day and probably would until the day they died. It wasn’t fair to the families the soldiers returned to, who may not have lost their loved ones in body but definitely in spirit.

Gibson deserved better. Alex told himself every day he would never forgive himself. It took him weeks to look Tommy in the eye once they had settled into their apartment. _God bless Tommy_, Alex thought. Tommy doted on him, despite Alex’s initial resistance to the compassion. A lot of glares and heated words were exchanged at first until one night, Alex had a particularly bad panic attack in the tub. Tommy had heard the commotion and ran to get to his roommate, consoling him the best he could. Alex sobbed into Tommy’s shoulder, clinging to him and wailing about his guilt. Tommy, with the patience of a saint, just cradled his friend until the sobbing subsided.

Alex’s whole personality changed after that night. He was more relaxed and he didn’t snap at Tommy about every little thing anymore. He had started to feel more like himself – or, as close as he thought he might ever feel like his former self again. He still resisted some of Tommy’s hospitality but overall, he had warmed up to the idea of the other man taking care of him. He now joked that Tommy was his housewife, which Tommy hated but it did make him laugh.

\--

After several minutes of struggling, Alex was finally able to breathe. He could still feel a dull ache in his chest with every inhale but his breathing had returned to a normal rhythm. He stayed curled up in the fetal position on his side, shivering. Tommy rubbed circles on his back and kept repeating “it’s okay” and “you’re alright, mate” very softly until Alex closed his eyes again and drifted back to sleep.

Tommy lay beside him and eventually fell asleep himself. This was just how nights were with Alex. It had become Tommy’s routine – stay awake until Alex started screaming, comfort him back to sleep, then sleep beside the other man. He didn’t have to sleep beside him. Alex had never woken up more than once in a night, but Tommy never could will himself out of the bed and Alex never complained. That’s just how things were, they had silently agreed.


	2. A Tale of Two Battles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this one a lot quicker than I anticipated! This is basically a repeat of the previous chapter but more from Tommy's angle and it elaborates on a few things mentioned before.

When they first moved in together, Tommy thought there would be no way in hell they’d make it. The next greatest battle he’d fight after Dunkirk, he thought, would be the battle of egos between him and Alex. They had miraculously survived the beach but would they survive living together?

He found Alex to be the most obnoxious pain the ass. All day, he’d bark orders then get mad when Tommy did anything for him. Nothing made him happy but _everything_ – from the food Tommy cooked to the way the towels in the bathroom were folded – sent him into a rage. Tommy felt like he was walking on eggshells, carefully watching everything he said and did so as not to send Alex flying off the handle again. He had spent half his life trying to get out from under his father’s thumb only to wind up with a roommate just like him. _Like hell_, Tommy thought. He realized quickly that Alex got some sort of thrill out of fighting so, after a few days of barking back, he tried a different approach: he stopped reacting at all and just ignored Alex. Like a child, the other man eventually got bored with the lack of attention and found other ways to irritate his new roommate.

Tommy suspected the outbursts had little to do with the way the laundry was folded and everything to do with guilt. Alex never spoke about the things that troubled him except when he had that breakdown in the bathtub but he mumbled about Gibson in his sleep a few times. Despite his unpredictable anger, he could also be surprisingly gentle at times and Tommy suspected _that_ was the real Alex, he was just scared and didn’t know how to deal with the pain. He had never really left Dunkirk and he was still in survival mode. Tommy didn’t know how to make it go away but he tried his best to chip away at the wall that Alex had built around himself. Another suspicion he held was that Alex believed he resented him. He was projecting his fears, making it seem like he was the one that resented Tommy when he really felt like it was the other way around.

Tommy didn’t resent Alex. In the moment, he had hated the way he treated Gibson. He had even feared that Alex might actually throw him off the boat alongside the Frenchman to be shot and killed, as was threatened, but Tommy had let that all go. For the sake of his own sanity, he had to. Fear makes people do strange and sometimes terrible things, he knew. He couldn’t fault Alex for his desperation, nor could he blame him for Gibson’s death. He chose not to dwell on these memories.

No one escaped Dunkirk without mental and physical scars though. In Alex’s most vulnerable moments, he would make comments about Tommy’s strength. He couldn’t believe his brother in arms didn’t have nightmares. Truth was, Tommy did have nightmares. He had them every night, he just didn’t talk about them the next day. He kept a journal and that was enough for him. He pulled strength from tending to others. As long as he had someone else to take care of, someone else to live for, he was okay.

Nothing felt the same. He had been away from home so long, endured so much that his home was now foreign to him. He went through his daily routine the best he could while living with his parents but it felt so…odd. He felt detached from this life and from himself. It was like he was having an out of body experience that wouldn’t end. He still felt that way sometimes, detached from reality. He would numbly watch the shell of himself walk around the house doing routine chores but he couldn’t feel anything. He couldn’t tell you what his interests were or what he could see himself doing in ten or twenty years. He was a blank slate. He made a conscious effort to take advantage of this mental state and found an apartment. He wanted to start his life over. He would never be the same Tommy that had arrived in France and he had no idea who he wanted to be now that he was home, but he knew this was his chance to mold himself. Possibly – hopefully? – his last chance to start from scratch. What had possessed him to have Alex as a roommate was an entirely different conversation.

They had run into each other on a night out, both frustrated with their living situations. Tommy desperately wanted to get away from his father again. He thought after the war he could tolerate being around him but after a week, they were screaming at each other at least once a day, just as they had before. Alex just couldn’t handle being treated like he was going to break in half if someone breathed in his direction. Both loved their families intensely but preferred to love them from a distance. Truth be told, Tommy jumped at the first offer of a roommate. He didn’t care who it was. He had found an apartment within his budget but he didn’t want to live alone and he was excited that someone wanted to be with him. He knew it would be both a blessing and a curse, however, to live with someone who had been through the same hell he had. It was comforting to know that someone understood what he had been through but sometimes the apartment felt too small to hold two men plus the ghosts that haunted them. On the days where he felt like he was suffocating, Tommy would just sit outside in silence. Alex never bothered him on those days. He was a nuisance about eighty percent of the time but even he had enough respect not to cross certain boundaries.

It had been a couple of days since Alex’s breakdown and the most dramatic change for Tommy had been the calmness that fell over the place. Expressing some of the pent-up guilt – although, Tommy believed, not all of it – had lifted an enormous weight off both of them. It was like someone had popped a bubble and released the pressure building up in the apartment. Alex was friendlier, more relaxed, and didn’t fuss when his “housewife” brought him breakfast the next two mornings. They were enjoying each other’s company more and having actual conversations. Tommy wondered if it would last.

The next change that had startled Tommy was physical contact. The only time there had been intentional contact between them was when Tommy tried consoling his roommate after a nightmare. Beyond that, neither man dared touch the other until Tommy cradled Alex in the bathtub. It felt awkward to think about now but at the time, it felt like the best thing to do. Tommy had been shocked that Alex didn’t push him away but had instead clung tightly to him. After that night, Alex couldn’t walk by Tommy without putting a hand on his shoulder or his back. It wasn’t much of a gesture but it was different. It was kind, gentle – a form of unexpected affection Tommy hadn’t experienced often in his life, especially from another man. Tommy never said a word, afraid he would embarrass Alex and that the contact would stop. He didn’t want it to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the next chapter will be fluffier and less focused on the past.


	3. Tender is the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy is sick and Alex pushes aside his own discomfort to help his roommate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not the best at writing fluffy stuff but I did my best. Chapter title inspired by Blur's Tender.

It was rare that Alex woke before Tommy. Usually, the latter had half the house cleaned and a full breakfast cooked before Alex would come stumbling down the hallway. This morning felt different. The sun seemed brighter and the air seemed clearer. Alex felt, dare he say it, _cheerful_. He hadn’t felt this way in what seemed like years. He was happy, safe, comfortable – all things he had adjusted to not feeling for so long that he didn’t even realize he felt deprived of them. His sense of security had been shattered on that beach. The fears instilled in him during the war kept him on edge and anxious all the time, but something about getting things off his chest had broken some of that spell. It didn’t cure everything; the nightmares persisted and he still avoided large crowds whenever possible. The uncontrollable outbursts where Alex would lash out at random, insignificant things continued too but were less frequent.

Again, Alex found himself thinking _God bless Tommy_. The man was a gift – a very, very patient gift. He had a heart so forgiving that Alex didn’t trust him initially. No one is that kind; he had to want something. But if he did truly want something, he never asked for it. He never asked for anything, actually. He kept to himself and did things independently but always, _always_ put Alex first. So, in his cheerful mood, Alex decided to return one of an infinite number of favors by cooking breakfast this time.

Alex didn’t do intimacy or affection well. He wasn’t deprived of either growing up, it just made him second guess himself. Was he doing too much or not enough? Was it too awkward and needy? The result of his insecurity was a reputation for being cold and distant. He wasn’t cold; he wanted to be affectionate, he just didn’t know how to express it. His most recent attempt at showing gratitude for the things Tommy did (and put up with) was to simply let his guard down and actually _show_ his appreciation – assist with the chores, consciously work on managing his anger, and even include some light physical affection. Alex craved touch. There was nothing sexual about it, he just wanted to feel close to someone else. His body almost ached with a need to hold or be held.

“Alex?” A soft, groggy voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he smiled at Tommy.

“G’morning, sleepy!”

“Morning. What time is it?” Tommy asked, still half asleep.

Alex glanced at his watch. “Quarter to nine. Bit of a late start for you, innit? Couldn’t sleep last night?” He kept his tone playful but it was a sincere question. He tried to ignore the pang of guilt he felt at the thought of his own nightmares keeping Tommy awake.

“I don’t know. I thought I fell asleep earlier than usual. Didn’t sleep all that much this past week though, maybe my body was just catching up,” Tommy said thoughtfully, rubbing the back of his neck.

Alex frowned. “Feeling alright though, other than that?”

Tommy just shrugged and moved further into the kitchen, helping himself to a cup of coffee. Alex returned his gaze to the frying pan he was standing over, not satisfied with the answer he had received but he didn’t press.

“Can I help you with anything?” Tommy asked softly.

Alex shook his head. “You do enough. Sit,” he said, pointing at one of the chairs in the kitchen. “I’ll bring your food when it’s ready.” Tommy narrowed his eyes in suspicion and stared for a moment while Alex fought back a grin. After a couple of seconds, Tommy let out a small “hm” and did as he was told. A comfortable silence fell over them, both lost deep in their own thoughts. Silences rarely felt uncomfortable between them now; neither man was particularly chatty unless they were really excited about something. They just appreciated each other’s company without empty words.

As promised, Alex brought both their plates of food to the table. He couldn’t stop the smile that crossed his face when he saw Tommy’s eyes light up. It was the same reaction to every small gesture – like someone just handed him a puppy after he had been begging for one for years. It was a response Alex was sure he would never grow tired of. Despite his insecurity with showing affection, he wanted to keep seeing that genuine happiness in the other man’s face, whatever it took.

A loud sneeze made Alex jump and he narrowed his eyes in Tommy’s direction. “You’re sick,” he stated flatly, rolling his eyes when Tommy shook his head. “Don’t argue with me – you’re sick. You’re exhausted, you’re sneezing, and you’re paler than usual.” He ignored the death glare directed at him and turned his attention back to his food. “You’re going back to bed after you eat.”

“But _dad_,” Tommy whined sarcastically. “I had plans today!”

Alex cocked an eyebrow at him. “Oh really?”

“Yeah, I was going to run to the market. We’re low on food.”

“I’ll do it then, just tell me what you want. You’re not leaving the house. And for fuck’s sake, quit looking at me like I just kicked a dog. Let someone else do something for you just this once, yeah?”

Alex would never admit it aloud but the thought of going to the market made his stomach knot. There were always so many people, so much noise. This wasn’t about him though. He was certain Tommy had sacrificed his comfort for him plenty of times, so he could manage it too. Besides, this would give him a chance to help make Tommy feel better.

Tommy didn’t even try to argue, too tired to keep up with his energetic roommate this time. He wrote out a grocery list and begrudgingly went back to bed.

\--

_I definitely hate this_, Alex thought to himself as he dodged in between people while muttering obscenities under his breath. Grocery shopping was a whole new level of anxiety and sensory overload since returning from Dunkirk. Kids screaming and running around, people standing in the middle of the walkway – _they aren’t even doing anything! Move!_ – or shoving past him forcefully, and arguably the worst part: old ladies with toxic perfumes who took two decades to pick out a single vegetable. _Why did I agree to do this again? Oh, right. The housewife is sick._ Thankfully, their grocery list wasn’t long and Alex was able to escape the crowd relatively quickly. Once back on the open street, he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

He hummed quietly to himself on his way back to the apartment, allowing the warmth of the sunshine to melt away the nervous ache in his chest. A sign about a block away from their apartment caught his attention and he stopped, rocking on his heels as he contemplated going inside the small shop. He knew Tommy was probably asleep and wouldn’t know how long Alex had been gone anyway so he decided to duck inside.

“What brings you in, dear?” a voice called out from behind the front counter. Alex looked around the building before bringing his gaze back to the front again. It was a small deli, barely large enough to hold its four tables and their chairs plus the front counter, where several sandwiches, breads, and pastries were on display. Alex instantly fell in love with the smell – fresh bread with a hint of garlic floating around as well.

“Just saw your sign, said you had soup?”

The woman behind the counter nodded. “We keep three kinds, usually: tomato, potato, and chicken.”

“Could, um…could I get some of each?” Alex wasn’t sure why he was nervous but something about the spontaneity of this decision made him feel unsure of himself.

The woman nodded but looked confused. “Want to sample them first? Or do you just like all three flavors?”

Alex shifted, his nerves hitting him again. “No, it isn’t for me. I’m just not sure what he will like. Would rather him have an option.”

“Him?” The lady questioned softly but then shook her head. “Never mind me, none of my business. I’ll get you all three. What’s the occasion, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“He’s sick. Er, my roommate is sick.”

“I see,” the woman responded, nodding sympathetically. “Good friend you are to do this. Very sweet.” She put the three containers of soup in a brown bag and threw in two loaves of fresh bread. Alex smiled, thanked her as he paid, and promised he would come back when he could.

Alex didn’t bother waking Tommy when he came back. He put the groceries away and began working on some of the chores around the house. Every hour or so he would peek into the bedroom to make sure Tommy was okay until finally, around dinnertime, Tommy drug himself out of bed.

“How long have I been out?” he mumbled, watching Alex through sleepy eyes as the other man folded laundry.

“More than half the day. How are you feeling?” Alex responded.

“Kind of feel like I’ve been hit by a train, to be honest.” Tommy’s voice was hoarse and he sounded congested.

Alex frowned. “Come and sit then. I brought you soup.”

“Soup?” Tommy echoed.

“Yes, soup. There’s a shop down the road that makes it – tomato, chicken, and potato. I’ll warm some up, just sit.”

“All amazing. God, I feel starved!” Tommy sighed and sat at the kitchen table, watching Alex fondly as he prepared a bowl of chicken soup for him. His face lit up with the childlike excitement Alex loved when he brought him his meal.

“None for you?” Tommy asked.

Alex shook his head. “Not fond of soup. This bread, however,” he continued as he grabbed a loaf out of the brown bag, “I could eat my weight in.” Both fell into silence as they enjoyed their food.

Tommy was the first to break the silence, softly calling out his roommate’s name after consuming the last drop of his soup.

“Yes?” came the reply.

“Thank you. This means a lot to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I actually have most of the next two (at least) chapters written, which means this is not only my longest piece (ever) but might also be the first multi-chapter story I’ve ever completed. If I finish it, I’m thinking about posting it to Wattpad. Let me know what you think. I’m super nervous! I’m fond of this story but still not exactly confident in its execution so I’ll be anxious for your feedback.


	4. A Debt Owed, A Debt Paid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy owes a special woman a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short, just a filler that was (for some reason) very difficult for me to write. Next one will be a lot longer. Should have it up tonight or tomorrow.

Alex went out and got soup every day, much to the Soup Lady’s delight. She was growing quite fond of the son she never had, as she lovingly called him, and was adamant about meeting Tommy once he felt better. The soup seemed to cheer Tommy up, even if the good mood only lasted temporarily. His eyes still lit up as if he were receiving a birthday gift every day.

It was Tommy’s turn to keep Alex awake at night. He coughed for hours and apologized profusely, offering to sleep in the other bedroom that had been intended for him anyway.

“Nonsense,” Alex scolded him. “Quit worrying about me. I keep you up all the time.” He had given up on lying beside Tommy, opting instead to sit up against the wall behind the bed. When Tommy would start another coughing fit, he would lean over and rub his back to try and soothe him. He felt helpless. He knew the illness would have to run its course but that didn’t stop him from worrying. The medications the doctor had left for Tommy didn’t seem to be helping much at all. His fever was persistent and at night he would shiver violently with chills.

On the third night, the feelings of helplessness got the better of Alex. It was Tommy’s worst night. His fever was at its highest, his throat was raw from coughing, and he was shaking so bad – despite being cocooned in three blankets – that the bed shook with him. The small, pained whimpers he was letting out felt like shards of glass in Alex’s heart and he listened until he couldn’t stand it anymore. He slipped off his shirt and dug his way under the layers of blankets, causing Tommy to cry out at the sudden cool air rushing in. Alex shushed him and wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him against his chest. He then pulled the blankets around them both and settled in, resting his cheek against Tommy’s shoulder and rubbing his arms in an attempt to generate more warmth. He knew he would get hot but he was okay with that, as long as Tommy was getting warmer.

It didn’t take long for Alex to drift off to sleep and, he noted the following the morning, it was the first night since returning from the war that he did not have a nightmare.

\--

Eight days.

That’s how long Tommy was sick. He had peaked on the third night and started feeling better after that but he continued to have the cough and congestion for five more days. Alex had slept with his bare chest pressed against Tommy’s back since that third night too, one toned arm tightly wrapped around Tommy’s pale waist to keep him close. Tommy could feel his breath against his shoulder and he swore he could feel Alex’s arm press against him occasionally, like he was trying to pull him closer still. Tommy silently wished that this had become a new normal for them but somehow he couldn’t convince himself that it would last. He cherished the feeling of having his roommate pressed against him, their bodies aligning perfectly like they had been designed to complement each other, and tried not to think about the day this comfort would end.

\--

Alex seemed unusually peppy. He was speaking quickly and animatedly, arms flailing as he told Tommy about a dream he had. _A dream_, Tommy emphasized in his mind, _and not a nightmare._ Tommy just walked alongside the taller man with an amused smirk on his face. This was the first day he had felt like getting out of the house and he owed a special woman a visit. Alex hadn’t stopped talking about the Soup Lady since he met her and Tommy felt like he knew her already. He wasn’t sure how to thank her for making him feel better or for giving Alex something to look forward to every day.

“Alex! How lovely,” a voice greeted them as they walked into the deli. “This must be your Tommy.” A short, plump woman with untamed curly hair walked from behind the counter to give them both a hug. Tommy could feel his face tint slightly at her words but he fought the urge to glance at Alex.

“Yes ma’am,” Tommy responded quietly. “Thank you for everything. I can’t tell you how much your soup helped me.”

“Well, you can thank your friend here. Highlight of my day, having him come in to pick it up for you on his way home from work. Special lad, you must be. I knew I had to meet you one day. So glad you’re here and feeling better.” The woman, who asked to be called Clemmy, kept rambling while she prepared sandwiches for Tommy and Alex. Tommy hadn’t felt this comfortable in any environment in over a year. He had certainly never seen Alex so relaxed. Maybe it was the way Clemmy treated them like her own children, or perhaps it was the intoxicating smell of garlic and fresh bread wafting throughout the building but something about this place made Tommy feel safe and, he suspected, Alex felt similarly. He could see the appeal in stopping by every day. It was peaceful and quiet, a place to clear the mind while feeding the soul.

Alex caught Tommy’s eye and smiled. Tommy couldn’t make out the expression he was making but he returned the smile while happily accepting the food Clemmy had put in front of them. It was almost as if Alex was trying to solve a puzzle. He looked thoughtful and like he wanted to say something but stopped himself before turning his attention to his food. Tommy dropped his gaze and shrugged it off. If Alex had something to say, he’d get it out eventually. He wasn’t shy.

These were the moments Tommy lived for – simple and peaceful, surrounded by people he loved. _Safe. Secure._


	5. Turned a House Into a Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I created a Twitter! You can follow me there, if you want: stumblinround

The holidays came quicker than Tommy anticipated. He loved holidays. His parents were acting a bit strange this year and Tommy suspected it had something to do with this being his first Christmas back home. He was looking forward to it though – the baking, the colder weather, the warm fires, the festive spirit lingering in the air. All of it made him relive the excitement and mystery of Christmas that he felt as a child.

Tommy was pulled out of his thoughts when Alex came home, looking a bit flustered. He awkwardly shuffled into the kitchen where Tommy had been sweeping, his eyes glued to the floor and one hand rubbing the back of his neck.

“Alright there?” Tommy asked cautiously, his eyebrows stitched together with concern.

Alex nodded and shifted uncomfortably before mumbling, "My parents want us to come by for dinner tomorrow night. If, um, if you want to go, of course. Don't have to."

Tommy raised an eyebrow at the unexpected offer. "They...want me to join?" he asked slowly for clarification. Alex nodded. "Do you want me to go?" Tommy asked this question just as slowly as his previous one, trying to understand why Alex looked so uncomfortable. He had met his parents before when he was helping Alex move out, what would be so different about this?

Alex cleared his throat. "Yeah. I mean, it's fine. Um, my uncle will be in. Might be a bit...weird, I don't know."

"Why would it be weird?"

Alex ran his fingers through his hair nervously. "Dunno. He's made some, uh...some assumptions."

"Assumptions," Tommy repeated pointedly. Alex forcefully exhaled, growing impatient with his own discomfort. Tommy was waiting for him to start digging a hole in the kitchen floor. That's what his eyes looked like they were doing anyway - digging a hole in the ground, hoping it would swallow him so he wouldn't have to keep talking.

"About us – you, me," he said quickly, his face starting to turn red. "He thinks we're, uh...you know, we're...more than..." He trailed off and gestured vaguely around the room, making eye contact with Tommy for only seconds before dropping his gaze back to the floor and shoving his hands in his pockets.

Tommy's eyes widened. "_Oh!_ Oh..." _Really?_ What on earth had Alex been sharing with his family? He knew the other man was close to his parents, and Tommy felt relatively close to his own, but detailing their most vulnerable moments together was something that had never crossed Tommy's mind. Maybe Alex just had more of a connection with his family than Tommy realized. Or maybe he didn't say much of anything to his family and they were reading further into what he did choose to share than Alex intended.

After a long pause, Tommy cleared his throat. "Right then. Sure, I'll join." Somehow, Alex looked both relieved and hesitant at the same time.

"Really? You're sure?"

"Yeah, I think it'll be nice." _Or a complete disaster._ "And uh, as far as your uncle goes...don't really know what to say about that one but I'm sure it'll be fine. Thanks for inviting me."

Alex still looked like he wanted the earth to open up and eat him alive but he gave a small smile and nodded. "Yeah, sure.”

\--

Tommy wasn’t sure what to think about the dinner invitation. On the one hand, he felt honored to be included but on the other hand, Alex looked like he would rather curl up and die than go through with it. Neither spoke to each other about it after the initial conversation and Tommy figured that if Alex really didn’t want him to be there, he would have said something, would have found some excuse to back out. But he didn’t back out and so the night came.

Tommy didn’t feel nervous until they were on their hosts’ doorstep with Alex’s father peering down at him before giving him a handshake that almost crushed the bones in his hand. He was about a foot taller than Tommy and his voice was loud, commanding. Somehow, he intimidated Tommy more tonight than he had when he first met the man. Alex’s mother, however, couldn’t have been more opposite – gentle, soft-spoken, and small. Alex’s uncle looked almost identical to his brother but he was quieter and much colder. He gave a brief nod in Tommy’s direction but refused eye contact and wouldn’t speak directly to him. They stayed distant from each other.

Dinner started off about the way Tommy thought it might, with no one able to really get a word in edgewise once Alex’s father started talking. His boisterous voice drowned out everyone else’s, and he talked a lot. Tommy was a little surprised since Alex didn’t talk this much. He had seen glimpses of the conversationalist Alex could be but they were rare moments. Alex’s uncle all but ignored everyone at the table besides his brother and the two bantered back and forth throughout most of the evening. Tommy tried to disregard the uneasy feeling he felt in his stomach but he couldn’t shake the voice in his head telling him to stay on guard, this was the calm before a storm. He chose to stay quiet, speaking only when spoken to but keeping himself silently engaged in the conversations taking place.

After a while, Alex leaned in his mother’s direction. "The nightmares have stopped," he said quietly but with pride. 

“Oh, really? That is fantastic!” His mother responded, smiling widely. Alex nodded and said it had been over a month since his last one. His mother mouthed a silent thank you to Tommy. Tommy nodded in return and smiled fondly at Alex, which Alex's uncle took note of.

"_Fucking queers, the both of you..._" he muttered, not as discreetly as he may have intended because everyone at the table heard it. _And there it is_, Tommy thought, his stomach turning. He could feel the color drain from his face as he braced for what would happen next. He half expected Alex to launch himself across the table or for Alex’s father to start berating them both with questions about how close his son and his _roommate_ were. Tommy’s mind was spinning with possible directions this could go, none of the scenarios ending on a high note.

As soon as the word "queers" left his uncle's mouth, Alex's whole body went rigid and he clenched his fist, his jaw tightening. Tommy resisted the urge to reach out and put a hand on his knee, knowing it would only make the situation worse. Before either could respond, however, they were shocked at whose voice cut through the tense air.

"Now, just you listen here," Alex's father's voice boomed, his finger pointed directly at his brother's face as he stood and towered over the table. His voice sounded angry and defensive. Tommy didn't think it possible, but Alex stiffened even more. He looked completely mortified. "I'm going to tell you something about these boys and you better hear me all the way out." He continued when he wasn't met with resistance, only deafening silence. "They have seen horrors none of us could ever imagine. Went to hell, got trapped, and barely survived. When they first came home, my son screamed every night. You ever heard the sound of a loved one being tortured, in pure agony? Imagine hearing it night after night. Blood-curdling screams. Nothing his mother and I did could make it stop. Nothing! Never felt so damn helpless in my life." His voice cracked and everyone at the table winced at the pain dripping from every word he shouted. Still, no one said anything and he continued, turning so that he was now pointing over to a ghostly pale Tommy. "Then this lad shows up one day, talking about moving into an apartment with Alex. I was nervous at first, wondering how this skinny little thing could handle him at his worst. Know what happened? After a couple of weeks, I heard my son laugh for the first time in over a year. He _laughed_. I saw him smile. I heard _life_ in his voice." He paused, completely unfazed by the tears welling in his eyes. "This boy saved my son," he continued, his tone softer. "And by God, if this is what makes my boy happy, if this is what takes away the agony and makes the screaming stop, I don't care who he sleeps next to. It's none of my damn business! It's obvious they love each other, anyone half as blind as me could see that. Whether it's as friends or as lovers makes no difference to me, and if you are so bothered by it, you can see yourself out then." He tilted his head towards the doorway, still standing over the table, and waited.

The only sounds that could be heard for the first few seconds were the sobs coming from Alex's mother and his father's heavy breathing. Tommy and Alex sat in complete silence, both staring at the table in shock. Alex was trembling and after a couple of seconds, Tommy hesitantly reached over to brush his fingers against the other's hand. Alex's hand twitched in response and he turned it over, spreading his fingers so that Tommy's could intertwine with his own. Tommy gave Alex's hand a reassuring squeeze.

Alex's uncle glanced up briefly from his dinner plate to make eye contact with his brother and he nodded. "Alright," he croaked out. "Alright, I'm sorry. Alex, truly - I'm sorry." He put his hands up as if surrendering. Neither Tommy nor Alex dared turn to face him but Tommy caught the small nod from Alex out of the corner of his eye. It was quiet for a few moments before Alex’s father spoke again.

"Right, well - let's move on then. Darling, did you make a cake?" He gently asked his wife as he sat back in his chair. Alex's mother beamed and told him yes, tears still rolling down her face as she stood to grab the dessert.

Still, Alex did not move and Tommy leaned into him. "Are you alright?" he asked only to where the other man could hear. Alex blinked a couple of times like he had been snapped out of a daze and turned his head slightly towards Tommy, nodding in confirmation and pulling his hand away slowly. The rest of the meal was awkward. Alex didn’t say another word, his body still tense, and – not to anyone’s surprise – it was Alex’s father who did most of the talking for the remainder of the evening.

When they went to say their goodbyes, Alex’s uncle grabbed Tommy’s arm, startling the younger man. “I don’t agree with it,” he started slowly, his voice barely a whisper so that only Tommy could hear, “but you’re good to my nephew and I can’t argue with that. So long as you’re helping him then you’re good people to me.” Tommy nodded, unable to respond verbally. He wanted to tell him that they weren’t whatever he thought they were, they were just roommates with an unusual way of comforting each other, that while Tommy did love Alex it wasn’t like that, but the words just wouldn’t come out of his throat. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was nervous or if he himself just didn’t want to hear them verbalized, hanging heavily in the air, painful and untrue. Tommy never was a good liar.

The trip back to the apartment was quiet and tense. The only sounds were Alex and Tommy’s breathing. Alex still seemed angry and Tommy feared something would change now, that this night had made everything awkward and all wrong. He would never feel Alex pressed against him in bed again, would never feel his soft touches throughout the day, never hold him or get to tell him the single word that ran through his mind every time Alex was in his presence. Not for the first time since returning from Dunkirk, Tommy felt like he had lost his sense of belonging and security.

As soon as they stepped inside the apartment, Tommy began peeling off the layers he was wearing. He jumped and let out a small yelp when he turned around and found Alex staring at him intently. He was close enough that Tommy could feel the warmth of his breath when he spoke.

“I’m so sorry about tonight. Just...please promise me you won’t leave me. Please. We don’t have to be the way that we were if you’re uncomfortable but please, please don’t leave me.” Tommy was taken aback by how strained and desperate Alex’s voice sounded. “I’m not afraid to fall asleep anymore. I don’t see the dead bodies or feel the water or hear the bombs when I’m with you. I know this isn’t right, I know most people think like my uncle and believe this is fucked up, but you’re the only thing that keeps me sane. A-and if it has to end, whatever it is, just please stay with me. I don’t want to be alone. You’re the only person who makes me feel normal.”

Tommy couldn’t deny the way he felt. He had tried but Alex was his comfort and Tommy selfishly clung to him. The thought of losing this man made his chest ache. No one else could provide the warmth or the sense of familiarity Alex provided. No one could drive him mad and make him feel complete at the same time; no one could light the fire in his heart faster; no one could smell the same or feel the same or look at him the same way. Every time their green eyes locked, the whole world clicked into place and everything made sense. No, Tommy thought, no one else could do that for him.

“You feel like home,” he found himself whispering. He continued when he saw the puzzled look on Alex’s face. “I haven’t really felt like I’ve come home, Alex. Everything still feels distant and strange. But when I look at you, I know that I’m okay. It doesn’t matter where we are or what we’re doing. I finally found somewhere that makes me feel safe and..._real_, like a living, breathing human being with a heartbeat and it isn’t a place at all - it’s you. All you have to do is be present, you don’t even have to say anything or look at me, I just know that as long as you’re near me, I’m okay. I’m safe and I’m alive. It’s the only word that runs through my head when you’re near - _home._”

“Home,” Alex echoed softly. He pulled Tommy closer, one hand cupping his face and the other wrapped around his waist. Their eyes locked and they stared at each other for a moment. “Home,” Alex repeated softly, smiling as he closed the gap between them and pressed his lips to Tommy’s. The kiss was patient and slow but passionate. Every emotion that they couldn’t express out loud was being poured into it and Tommy was convinced he was going to melt into the floor.

When they pulled away from each other, Alex grinned. “So, you’re not going anywhere then?”

“Alex…this is my apartment. If anyone were going anywhere, it would have been you, mate,” Tommy responded and they both laughed.

“Fair enough. Don’t know what I’d do without my housewife.”

“Oh, piss off.” Tommy rolled his eyes and playfully shoved Alex away from him. “You think you’re so funny,” he added as Alex laughed.

“I’m _hilarious_, thank you. I’m also exhausted. Come to bed with me?” Tommy gave Alex a sheepish smile and nodded.

Neither could stop their hands from wandering over each other in bed, like they were touching each other for the first time, their fingertips trying to memorize every line and crease. They shared one more passionate kiss before falling asleep.

“Welcome home,” Alex murmured so softly as they began to drift into unconsciousness that Tommy thought he may have dreamed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I *think* this is the last chapter? I had intended to split this into two but decided to combine them. I might be able to think of more fluff but this is really as far as I've been able to think up for now.


End file.
